Thursday, May 06, 2010

Vomit Inducing Summer Movies (2010 Movies)

This is the 5th annual list!!

It's that time again for the Vomit Inducing Movie list for 2010. This is the fifth year of this list, and the 2006, 2007, 2008 , 2009 list can be reviewed - of course, these lists are made before these films come out and some of these perceived flops end up being winners.

Put it on your schedule, you can mock and review my choices in August. I can take it.

May 14: Just Wright
A lame story that looks like "Precious the romantic comedy" staring Queen Latifa in the role of physical therapist (they love casting her as a "therapist" don't they), helping a basketball player get back on his feet again. Blah.

Gary Winick follows up Bride Wars with this film. (note: Winick's next film Rat Bastard is in development) proving that Hollywood loves rom-coms with dumb set ups, here Amanda Seyfriend goes on vacation to Italy and tries to find the lover for an old woman who wrote a thousand love letters hidden in Verona.

May 21: MacGruber
Val Kilmer and Ryan Phillipe in a comedy? Did they hire them just so they could put their names on the poster? Will Forte plays MacGruber.

With each film worse than the last this one is destined for stinkitude. Cameron's probably worried she will be unemployed if they stop making these energizer-bunny-like films.

George A. Romero's film will get it's theatrical run after it's DVD release in the UK and video on demand release in the US and HDNet TV release two days before it hits theaters. Even the fans who've seen this zombie picture seem unimpressed...can't imagine this Magnolia picture will get many screens, showings or box-office dough.

June 4:
Despite it's edgy title - this is not a slasher flick (I don't think) but rather a comedy staring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl who fall in love on a vacation and then think their next door neighbors are hired to assassinate them. This can't be a real movie...Ashton, you've been PUNK'D.

June 4: Marmaduke
Beverly Hills Chihuahua meets a daily newspaper comic that isn't funny. Great Dane lovers and the folks at the nursing home will love it.

June 11: The A -Team
Keep in mind Mr. T does infomercials for an a counter top cooking product, so I'm not sure if an A-Team remake is the fast-track to success. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson plays Mr. T's iconic role. The cast beyond that is relatively high caliber (Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, and Patrick Wilson) but my expectations are low. I expect reviews that read the "the D minus team."

June 25
: Grown Ups
They tacked a teaser trailer of this film onto last year's film 2012. The message "If you're showing up to see 2012 opening weekend, then we have another idea for how you can waste your money." I'm sure with heavy marketing and a comedic flair this film will do alright at the box office. But I'm keeping my money in my wallet. The "best friend reunion story" staring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider sounds all too...1990s to me.

Are you serious -- this instead of a Will Smith movie over 4th of July weekend? A girl choosing between vampire and werewolf? No comment is necessary as to why this film is included on this year's list.

I've ranted about this film over a year ago - check out the full gripe of barfness in my post titled: "What are they thinking? Jerry Bruckheimer's Modern Sorcerer's Apprentice with Nicolas Cage"

A indy film about Norse vikings and the main characters are "One Eye" and "Are." Sci-fi action is sometimes a tough sell for me, and believe me this one is a really tough sell.

July 30: Beastly
A modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast, staring Burberry model Alex Pettyfer (Beast) and High School musical star Venessa Hudgens (Beauty). I could easily see this attracting the Twilight crowd, of which, I am proudly not a member.

Bette Midler, 2 Oscar nominations, plays the voice of Kitty Galore. Oscar nominee Alec Baldwin plays the voice of Butch. Oscar nominee Michael Clarke Duncan plays the voice of Sam. And these three actors take home a paycheck and our glad that there faces aren't actually seen in the film, just their voices.

August 6: Step Up 3-D
Who knew Step Up would be a trilogy? But how convenient the 3rd installment came when 3D was all the rage!

August 13: The Expendables
Sylvester Stalone directs, writes, and stars in a a film about mercenaries overthrowing a dictator. In addition to Jet Li, Jason Stratham, Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke. It even has (what I assume is a cameo) for Arnold Schwartzenegger. Stallone loves to put up those roman numerals, so we should be expecting The Expendables II, Expendables III, and the Expendables IV sometime over the next decade.

April 20: The Switch
I've mentioned this film about a sperm donation switcheroo staring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman (as well as Jeff Goldblum, Juliette Lewis and Patrick Wilson). But really, this film can only compliment Aniston's downhill spiral alongside her earlier flop this year, The Bounty Hunter and last year's Love Happens and He's Just Not That Into You.

April 27: Piranha 3-D
Elizabeth Shue stars as a sheriff saving townspeople from prehistoric piranhas. "Oh yea, and it's in 3D and it will be soooo cool and scary, and it will be like the piranhas are coming right towards you, it'll be totally crazy." A gimmick of a film if I've ever seen one.


Attila the Mom said...

Vomit-inducing, indeed! Thanks for posting it!

Amy said...

There really isn't a single movie I can think of that I'm looking forward to. Some of these I will probably see, like Eclipse, but more out of social obligation than being a fan of Twilight.

weepingsam said...

Mm, like taking a big swallow of rotten milk! That is a misbegotten list of movies... The only one that looks like it could be even a long shot of a not-entirely-awful film might be the Stallone picture...

Danny King said...

I saw the trailer for "Killers" last weekend. It looks SO bad.

Grete said...

I can attest to "Letters to Juliet" being horrible. I saw it at a free screening earlier this year, and I gave it a lousy survey review afterwards. There was so much that needed re-scripting and better actors that it'd be impossible for them to have changed it enough to be worthy of anyone's time.

Jordan M. Poss said...

This list is spot-on. I hadn't heard of Valhalla Rising, though, and after watching the trailer I'm interested. But then again, Viking culture and myth are part of my field. It looks like some kind of euhemeristic version of the god Odin (nicknamed "One Eye," because he gave up an eye for wisdom). Don't know how good it'll turn out, but I may just watch it.

Anonymous said...

Beastly sounds really terrible. If you have to cast a perfume model as your lead actor, it can't be good.