Sunday, May 03, 2009

Vomit Inducing Summer Movies (2009 Edition)

It's that time again for the Vomit Inducing Movie list for 2009. This is the fourth year of this list, and the 2006, 2007, and 2008 list can be reviewed - of course, you must remember this May tradition is sure to mention some flopperoni's but you may find yourself arguing with me about why a film you're sure you'll love is included, or mock me in August because I included a film that was highly entertaining.

So forget the fluffy positive and excited Summer movie previews - I present you with what I think will be the worst, most disappointing, and biggest waste of money we'll see this side of summer. Bring a barf bag because the fact that people paid money to make and watch these films, just might make you sick.

I love the TV Show Scrubs just as much as anyone, but Donald Faison (Turk from Scrubs) headlining a summer movie just doesn't sit well with me. Faison's without Zach Braff just seems wrong, and Mike Epps is not an equal replacement (the plot of this is a action comedy about a wrongly delivered package of Cocaine, also is simply uninteresting and uncreative sounding).

From the director of movie failures like From Justin to Kelly, Boys and Girls, and The Ten Commandments: The Musical comes a new film sure to fail. Robert Iscove directs this film staring Amy Smart and Tom Malloy (also the writer/producer). The title alone makes it an instant inclusion on the list, but the cast and premise of a love story revolving around a swing dance competition makes it even easier to include.

May 22: Dance Flick
Is any spoof really that entertaining? A spoof simply let's audiences rest assured that the genre is overplayed and tired and this movie staring the Wayans brothers about two dancers realizing their dreams through a dance competition first reinforces the inclusion of Love N' Dancing on the list, and any attempt to spoof Save the Last Dance, Hairspray and Step Up 2: The Streets all in the same film has to be painful in it's own right.

June 5: The Hangover
It it so bad to expect a little originality. This comedy looks so tired. Three groomsmen (Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis) loose the groom-to-be in Vegas. The film follows a tradition of most of the men-behaving-badly-comedy that's overdone, and rarely funny. Director Todd Phillips continue to make the same movies (Old School, School for Scoundrels, Frat House, and Road Trip).

I think Maria Bello is very talented, but why did she take this part? This is a movie about a depressed lady who hires her killer over the Internet, but she ends up falling in love with her killer. Note, this is not billed as a comedy, rather a drama...Maria Bellow's role as Nancy is supposed to be convincing.

I have no idea why this movie is coming out in July. I feel like it would really capture the February audience. With that in mind, I just feel like something is very fishy about this movie...and when something is fishy, it's usually bad. John Corbett and Nia Vardalos team up again for the first time since the big fat success of that Greek wedding movie. It's the story of a florist who tries to date a restaurant owner.

July 10: BrĂ¼no
Sacha Baron Cohen attempts to bring another edgy character to the big screen and with the success of Borat, why not? It's low budget, and big grossing. Not only did it gross over 100 million in the US alone, it also manged to score an Oscar nomination for best screenplay. I can't imagine entire mockumentary style film with this homosexual Austrian character not be extra-extra over the top, and interviews with Ron Paul and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict isn't quite up my alley for this summer.

This 80s period piece is loosely based on the life of real estate heir Robert Durst. The movie stars Ryan Gosling and Kristen Dunst. The fact that Kristen Dunst is in this movie is playing the "beautiful girl from the wrong side of the tracks" quickly puts this movie on the Vomit list.

July 24: G-Force
A movie about guinea pigs trained to stop evil villain from taking over the world with household appliances? Jerry Bruckheimer is at it again and finally Nicholas Cage plays his most embarrassing role yet -- Speckles the Mole.

August 7: Shorts
Robert Rodriguez has to be one of the schizophrenic directors as he bounces back and forth between dark horrific movies (Planet Terror, the Faculty, From Dusk to Dawn, Sin City)and goofy kid movies (Spy Kids, Shark Boy and Lava Girl). Well this falls in the goofy kid movie category. Shorts is about a kid who discovers a coveted wish granting rock. The rock looks like a combination of a gay pride flag and an Everlasting Gobstopper from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.

August 7: When In Rome
Kristen Bell plays Beth Harper. Bell's character pulls magic coin out of a fountain of love in Rome (home of her newly wed sister) and kaboom - the magic coins change her life. And Kaboom, I pass on this movie.

August 14: Bandslam
Missing the fact that no High School Musical 4 is in the works for this summer, then Bandslam is the movie for you. The Vanessa Hudgens movie about a diverse group of teens competing in a battle of the bands competition just sounds like it could give you the HSM fix you've been looking for. If you don't need this type of fix, it shouldn't make your summer must-see list.

This comedy's title is horrible for starters. This movie is about a used car dealership who has a failing car dealership sell more cars over a fourth of July weekend. In our current economic times for the auto-industry this project certainly doesn't sound like escapist comedy.


TALKING MOVIEzzz said...

I've got to disagree with you on BRUNO. While I wasn't the biggest BORAT fan (mainly because it wasn't as consistently funny as his TV show), the Bruno character is funnier than Borat and the film could be even more popular.

And as for BANDSLAM, while it may not be on my must see list, it is from the director of the wonderful musical CAMP so is more than just a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL clone.

Emily said...

I see, I see. You think that i have learned nothing from our friendship in the the past 3 years. I did already mock "G-force" on my own blog. And believe it or not "Bandslam" is not on my list for this summer. I will undoubtably not let you down however by going to see "When in Rome" Can't resist the chick flicks. Couldn't say about "Dance'n Love" though?

Lorna said...

Hmmmmm, I'm with you on these.

Heather said...

I'm thinking The Hangover might actually be funny. But I agree with you on the rest of the list.

Infidel753 said...

I stopped going to theaters when they started showing commercials (not just movie trailers, commercials) before the movies.

Not a single one of these movies sounds interesting. Tired, desperate ideas, each of which sounds like it was arrived at by being voted best out of five or six ideas thrown out during some meeting full of people with hangovers and jet lag.

There are enough novels and short stories out there to provide the movie industry with material for a thousand years, and yet they keep giving us this tired old rubbish.

Anonymous said...

Downloading Nancy sounds really creepy.

I do have to say that BRUNO does sound very funny, but I'm not sure I would pay $8 to see it...sounds like a decent renter.

Ranch Chimp said...

Just wanted to drop a visit...and see ...wassup. Thanx for the movie tips, I occassionally go to the big screen, and sure I will within the next month or so's been a couple month's for me.

Thank You........

Jamie Dawn said...

I've not heard of any of these movies yet. I'm SO out of the loop!!
Of the ones you mentioned All Good Things, Shorts, and When in Rome sounds like ones I might like.
I really love to watch movies, so I'm not too critical.
I'll have my vomit bag ready though.


A few of the ones you mentioned sound horrid.

Alex said...

I can't stand Sacha Baron Cohen and I thought Borat was annoyingly stupid and insulting.

RC said...

@infedel753 - i do agree, it's amazing how many great fiction works there are -- although i also think that there's value in writing for the screen as well, although I think there's a lot of different factors at work with writing for the screen that limit quality -- maybe I'll discuss some of those thoughts some day as I've been thinking about that recently.

@Moviezzz -- I think you must see Bandslam and create a list of all the reasons I'm wrong for putting it on this list :-)

@Emily - I'm so proud of you for mocking G-Force on your blog - so proud, so proud!

Attila the Mom said...

"The fact that Kristen Dunst is in this movie is playing the "beautiful girl from the wrong side of the tracks" quickly puts this movie on the Vomit list."

Bahahaha! You really crack me up.

Those movies do indeed sound revolting. Thanks for the heads-up!

Unknown said...

The movie "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" is hysterical. It was a breathe of fresh air for people working in the car dealerships, myself in ford tameside included. But there is more wit to the humor as well. It is truly a must see for everyone.

Anonymous said...

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