Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Vomit Enducing Summer Movies (2008 edition)

Following the popularity of the 2007 list, and the 2006 list of movies I'm completly not interested in, namely for their horrible or ridiculous premises...I present the list of 2008 Vomit Enducing Summer Movies.
Consider these 15 films as your "Must-Avoid" Movie List for Summer 2008.

May 23: Postal
For starters, any movie that squares off the same weekend as Indiana Jones has to be horrible, unless it's a limited release film in a totally different format. This movie on the other hand in an action comedy. Far too similar in genre. Staring no one remarkably famous this movie deals with a postal leader, teaming up with a cult leader who accidentally chooses the same target for a violent attack as the taliban chose.

A buddy comedy about the downward spiral of a Tae Kwon Do instructor who goes on a journey to find his hero...no way. Especially if Will Farrell's not in it.

May 30: Savage Grace
I wrote last year about this movie about the story of the Barbara Daly Baekeland (Julianne Moore) murder case when this movie was slotted as a 2007 release. Hardly a summer flick, the story of a woman who has incest with her homosexual son. It doesn't matter how good the performances are, I'm totally not interested.

I've mentioned this film before, but as I see it, there frankly are just way too many American Girl books, and if Kit Kittredge is successful than they'll have to make an infinite collection of dumb movies about doll/book collection. Molly goes to School, Nina Washes her Hair, Marcy No Longer is a Slave, Polly Wants a Cracker. Saying no to Kit is like saying no to a whole line of scary girl dolls and their potential film conterparts.

July 3: The Wackness
Wow, believe it or not, a period film about the year 1994, really keying in on 1994 culture..."a time of pagers, not cell phones; a time when Tupac and Biggie were alive but Kurt Cobain had just died." This story about a depressed pot dealer in New York in 1994 trading pot for thearapy sounds Sweet! -- 'not!'

July 18: Hounddog
I mentioned this movie in June and July of 2006. Way before Hannah Montana/Mylie Cyrus was in controversial Vanity Fair photos, Dakota Fanning was filming a movie (when she was then 12) about a sexually abused girl who finds hope in the music of Elvis. Did people forget summer movies where about escaping the heat, smiling and eating popcorn?

July 25: Baghead
The imdb.com synopsis reads: "The Duplass Brothers explore the minutiae of relationship dynamics in this in-depth study of a group of desperate actor friends. And a bag. And a head." Umm...that's totally not worth $9.

August 1: Swing Vote
Are people so uninformed about the electoral college, voting procedure and simply enough general odds, election law? This comedy about the presidential election coming down to one man's vote is so dumb. Kevin Costner, I'm really sorry you have to take on film rolls like this that should go to actors like Ray Romano or Ice Cube.

Everyone loves a story about dismemberment and cannibalism on a midnight meat train. The family movie of the year.

August 1: Choke
What happens when a story that should have been a Saturday Night Live skit becomes a movie? You get a Choke, the story of a man who pays for his mother's hospital bills by pretending the choke and conning the victims who save him. A great film for the cynic who doesn't want to help or give. This film is based off a novel by Chuck Palahniuk author of Fight Club, so I could be underestimating this one...it could have cult favorite potential?)

Please...those pants better stop traveling or else they're all going to end up with diseases! (Where do young actresses go when there WB or comparable program goes off the air -- that's right...straight into the traveling pants)

August 22: Wild Child
Due to the writer's strike...we have taken an old story, only the names of characters and minor details have been changed. The premise: "A rebellious Malibu princess is shipped off to a strict English boarding school by her father where she falls in love with a boy she is prohibited to date."

In an attempt to remake an Asian film (a la The Departed) this Thai film unfortunatly stars Nicholas Cage in a plot that was probably being copies back in 1999 and now is way overplayed...the story of hitman who falls for a local woman. Again it only makes sense to blame it on the writer's strike.

August 22: The House Bunny (formerly titled I Know What Boys Like)
A playboy bunny is tossed out of the mansion and helps 7 clueless sorority girls save their sorority house. I'm guessing people will not being seeing this because of the plot?

August 29: Babylon A.D.
Rosemary's Baby + Jurassic Park + Da Vinci Code + Vin Dissel. It sounds like a bad combo too me. So does this movie about a Vin Disel escorting a woman across Asia who is the host body of a genetically modified Messiah.

7 comments:

Magnus said...

Costner should stick to Westerns and Sports movies. Not all of those are great, but it is better than most of the other stuff he has done. Just keep him far away from Science Fiction.

Fox said...

With your "no movies until May" post plus this post, you sure have your plans down! :) I wish I could practice that much restraint.

I had no idea they were releasing *Hounddog*. Very strange. I thought they buried it last year. And yeah... why a summer release??? Young girls will see Dakota Fanning's face and think "hmm, what's that?"... yuck. Bad idea.

Gotta differ from you on *The House Bunny* though. I am VERY excited for that. I love Anna Faris.

Michael Parsons said...

But "The House Bunny" stars Anna Faris! She needs our support!

Whitney said...

Not to mention the main character in Choke is a sex addict. Another fun family film. I think of all the Chuck Palahniuk films, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen this one to be adapted. oh well. I'll probably see most of these at the dollar theatres eventually...

PS I like your blog!

-Whitney (dearjesus.wordpress.com)

elgringo said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog. You're totally right about Meteor Man, a classic rumble. Remember those gold Slinkies? Amazing.

I agree with most of your picks. The only ones I still have high hopes for are The Choke and Midnight Meat Train.

There's a good chance the latter might be awful but I admire the director fighting everyone over the title. He wanted to stay true to Clive Barker's short story.

Two that would be on my list is You Don't Mess with the Zohan and The Love Guru which are the most vomit inducing movies I've seen in a very long time.

I'm still in shock that The Wackness doesn't star Jamie Kennedy.

Scott
he-shot-cyrus.blogspot.com

Jeremy said...

I'll take issue with two of these movies.

(1) The Foot Fist Way: There is something endearing about a film that was made on a shoestring budget in a matter of a couple of weeks. This movie was shot three years ago, and none of the actors were paid. Come on, RC! It's only coming to theaters this summer because of word-of-mouth from the likes of Ben Stiller, Michael Cera, Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Judd Apatow, Patton Oswalt, and Jonah Hill. It has a real underdog factor that should cause people to cheer it on (unlike recent films that we were told were little indies, but were much more produced and polished (e.g., Little Miss Sunshine, Juno)). And I have to ask you if you saw All the Real Girls. Danny McBride has a small part in that film, but, even with limited screen time, he is absolutely hilarious. Personally, I'm glad that Will Ferrell isn't in this movie. I think he has been on a serious downward slide (Did Semi-Pro already come and go?). I agree that this movie has the potential to be terrible. But it could also be wonderful, giving us an opportunity to laugh and sympathize with the pathetic characters.

(2) The Wackness: Okay. I'll admit that I don't really care about this movie. But isn't there something to the fact that this film won the Audience Award at Sundance? So... people enjoyed it. I don't know. I'm just saying...

the teach said...

Oh God, RC, they all sound so awful! Thanks for warning me! And I have to say I'm SO glad to hear from you...I don't know how we lost touch! But I hope we'll stay in touch now! Thanks so much for visiting my blog!

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