Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Vomit Enducing Summer Movies (2007 edition)

May 11: Delta Farce
A military comedy where 3 army reservist can't tell the difference between Iraq and Mexico, and liberate a small town from a Mexican gang lead my a man named Carlos Santana? Glenn, I want you and other 24-regulars to get great roles...and this is not one.

May 18: The Wendell Baker Story
This movie written and directed by Luke Wilson was shown at South by Southwest in 2005, and premiered in other countries over the past couple years and is finally creeping to the big screen in the US. This story about an ex-con in a retirement hotel reminds me of the horrible received Owen Wilson project, The Big Bounce.

June 1: Gracie
Executive Producter and cinemotographer of An Inconvient Truth (Academy award winner, Davis Guggenheim) brings us a drama about a true story of a family's fight for their daughter to play competive soccer...please let their be a power point presentation in the movie...please.

June 1: Rise: Blood Hunter
Snakes on a Plane screenwriter, writes and directs this horror-film staring Lucy Lui --- pass!

June 8: Hostel: Part II
I am so not into Eli Roth's brand of torture porn film-making. Watching girls get tortured for entertainment is sick and twisted.

June 22: Captivity
A film that's described as a combination of Saw, Hostel, and Silence of the Lambs. I don't care that respected academy nominated director Roland Joffé directs this project, or that Jack Bauer's daughter Kim stars in the film...another film with an attractive woman being tortured.

June 22: DOA: Dead or Alive
Video game adaptation. Single Elimination fighting tournament focusing on three girls (Ninja Princess, Female Wrestler, and Sexy Jewlery Theif)? You gotta be kidding.

July 4: Liscense to Wed
Please...what a banal story. Robin Williams plays Reverand Frank who makes a couple go through certain test and challenges to make sure they are ready to get married.

July 13: The Strangers
Boring title, boring plot (young couple in vacation home terrorized by unknown assailants).

July 20: I Now Proncounce You Chuck and Larry
The only thing worse than watching newlyweds fight in film, is watching to straight men pretending to be gay fighting like newlyweds. Adam Sandler's hit or miss so I could be wrong, but how can I be wrong on this one?

July 20: Arctic Tale
This documentary of a mother walrus and mother polar bear and their children seems like aging theme material. March of the Penguins was a hit, but can it be done again with other Arctic animals? The fad may be limited to penguins.

July 27: I Know Who Killed Me
Lindsay Lohan is tortured and comes back to her family with a personality disorder or something else...suspenseful and still, not interested.

July 27: Skinwalkers
A Warewolf horror movie, with warring warewolf packs? Please. Also what originality and quality is really expected by James Isaac who's last project was the poorly received Jason X.

August 3: Hot Rod
With the success of Talladega Nights, it's no surprise that a movie like Hot Rod is being released about a self-proclaimed stunt man played by SNL regular Andy Samberg. I have no interest in a unauthorized Ricky Bobby spin-off/

August 8: Daddy Day Camp
Fred Savage's big screen directoral debut. It's not that I'm a hater but more that I have little faith.

August 10: Bratz
A movie based on the best selling dolls? Funny looking big headed girls who are into glamour, shopping, and accessories. No thanks.

August 17: Fanboys
A non-fiction film about die-hard Star Wars fans going to see Star Wars Episode I at George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch before it's world wide release. Umm, is this film considered a period piece? A Star Wars road trip movie? Why?

August 17: Superbad
It's seems like a similar story as Old School, except the people aren't old...they're in high school, the party doesn't happen like they hope, and the film has no real celebrity talent.

August 17: Wedding Daze
A romantic-comedy that begins with a dare? Come on! This film formerly called "The Next Girl I See" and "The Pleasure of your Company" has changed it's name hopefully one last time, and hopefully will be missed by the masses...I know I intend to.

August 24: The Comebacks
"A college football coach (Koechner) with the worst record in the history of the sport vows to turn things around with his new team of ragtag recruits" (via imdb). A parody of a film genre that is way overdone.

August 24: Dedication
A romantic comedy about a children's book author and a book illustrator staring Mandy Moore and Billy Crudup? Ugh...this sounds like a twisted horror flick.

August 31: Wristcutters
A love story/comedy in the afterlife about people have committed suicide?

August 31: Balls of Fury
Actor Dan Fogler plays a former ping-pong champion recruited to take down Christopher Walker who is playing an Asian man?

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Southern (in)Sanity said...

That sounds like a bunch of garbage. Thanks for the warnings.

Anonymous said...

Well, once again, I mostly agree though there are a few on the list that I'm mildly interested in, though I think I'll keep those to myself. :)

Will said...

Thanks for the heads up on these STINKERS.
I saw the trailer for Balls of Fury, and from the very beginning, my jaw had dropped, and I was thinking, "WHAT?!?!" Of course, I WAS there to see Hot Fuzz, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much. :-)

b13 said...

Come on, Hostel was Great and part 2 will be a winner too. Captivity will be a rental and Balls of Fury will have its moments. Walken is the man!

Ando said...

Sounds like summer fun....if I was 13.

Kimberly Ann said...

you have too much time on your hands. i love you husband :-)

Anna said...

I love getting a heads up on crap! Thanks for posting...I will heed your warnings! :)

Scott Roche said...

Okay "Balls" sounds like it could be fun with a six pack, but the rest, yeah.

jasdye said...

i was just thinking about how awkward the humor is (and stiltedly *moral* and finger-wagging) whenever a sandler film makes reference to homo- or transsexuals. its like he still wants to be 12 but was told that that's a no-no.

Andrew Gaug said...

Okay, you can't really knock "Superbad' just yet. Judd Apatow is involved and his work is usually quite good. Plus it's got alot of people from various Apatow projects.

Star power isn't everything.

RC said...

marina, i'd love to know which one's you're interested in.

will, that's right...when you see a movie like Hot Fuzz you're not allowed to knock any of the previews.

scott & guys can enjoy balls of fury on your own...I'm out!

guag, yes...I can knock know why? because it's my blog...that's why!

(uh oh, I'm acting 13)

Glenn Dunks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glenn Dunks said...

RC, Wristcutters is apparently quite good. It's gotten very good write ups at Rotten Tomatoes. it was nominated at the Indie Spirit Awards, too, for First Feature and First Screenplay.

But, yes, the rest all look like garbage. Gotta say though, Skinwalkers has a great title. But, yeah, it sounds like a bad movie.

Hostel was indeed a load of tripe, but you know my opinions on that already.

F.J. Delgado said...

Those are some awful flicks coming up... Delta Farce looks historically bad.

Erin Marie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erin Marie said...

thanks for your warnings. i miss the random 'artsy' movies you would always rent. The crowd i run with is a bit less cultured - Blades of Glory is their idea of a great movie. Any recommendations for movies i shoudl rent during my summer off from teaching?

Sher said... some of us in Cowtown are really excited about seeing Liscense to Wed. We just love Jim from The Office and Robin Williams!!!

Anonymous said...

A few have sparked my interest but I can't agree with more on Eli Roth.

crackers and cheese said...

Ugh, I made the mistake of renting the Wendell Baker Story. Horrible, contrived film.

You were wrong about Superbad, but probably dead on with all the others.