Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Vomit Enducing Summer Movie List (2011 Edition)

This is the 6th annual Vomit Inducing Summer Movie list…how crazy is that?

Previous early May list can be found here by year: 2006, 2007, 2008 , 2009, and 2010.

The goal of this list is to identify the worst summer movies before they come out. Granted there's an occasional good one that may slip through the list when re-reviewed year end -- but generally speaking this ends up being the worst of the worst.

May 6: Jumping the Broom
The poster with it's tag line "The Taylors are Downtown - The Watsons are Uptown" is enough in itself to do me in. Sorry Angela Bassett.

May 6: Haunted 3D
An Indian Horror film in 3D? Unless this film has a bollywood style dance like Slumdog Millionaire did at the end...not to mention a two and half hour run time. I couldn't be more confussed. Plus how many art house theaters have 3D screens?

May 13: Priest (in 3D)
A priest goes after vampires. Oh yea, and Paul Bettany plays the action hero in this horror film, and the cross on his forehead makes him look sort of like he wants to be Harry Potter.

May 20: 35 and Ticking
Not so interested in a movie that's about a premature midlife crisis at the age of 35. Sorry Meagan Good, I know your also in Jump The Broom, so my apologies for including you in two of the first four blah films of Summer 2011.

June 3: Beginners
Ewan McGregor finds out his dad, Christopher Plummer, is dying of cancer and has a young male lover. Pass.

June 17: The Art of Getting By
A romantic comedy staring Freddie Highmore (Finding Neverland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, August Rush). I don't think I'm ready for Highmore to be in that type of role. I don't care how old he is, I consider him to be 8 or 10 years old. This film premiered at Sundance under the title Homework. I'm uncertain which bad title is worst.

June 24: Bad Teacher
Cameron Diaz as a trashy middle school teacher. I'm done with Cameron Diaz and I'm done with middle school. It doesn't sound funny - it sound's awful. The poster makes me think of Christina Applegate and the 1991 film Don't Tell Mom The Baby Sitter's Dead.

June 24: A Little Help
Jenna Fischer and Chris O'Donnell star in a "comedy" about the life of a dental hygentist after the death of her unfaithful husband. Maybe I'm missing out on where the comedy comes into play. This film is not to be confused with The Help, the adapatation of the popular book coming out later in the Summer.

July 1: Monte Carlo
Nicole Kidman is one of the producers of this film about three friends pretending to be socialites in Monaco. Staring Selena Gomez, Katie Cassidy, and Leighton Meester. I'm afraid I will have no problem missing this film. This film makes me think it's a Ya-Ya Sisterhood Traveling Pants type of film.

July 15: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (Part 2 in 3D)
Won't we all just be glad when this is over. I know some of you disagree. And you are probably too old for these books too, and that is sad. Also consider this the finale for the people who love Harry Potter so much, but also don't know how to read. Imagine their shock when they see how this all ends.

July 22: Friends With Benefits
Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, after having film roles that were respected in 2010, do a low brow film that seems trashy, cliched and uninspired.

August 5: The Change-Up
It's like Freaky Friday, but freakier. Here's the summary: "A comedy in which a married guy switches bodies with his best friend in order to woo his co-worker." The film staring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds. I'm not sure exactly who the audience is for this? People who want to change their bodies with one of their male friends?

August 5: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
The origin story that no one was waiting for. Staring that guy who bombed at the Oscars last year...what's his name again...oh yea, James Franco.

August 19:
Conan the Barbarian
How many people are going to be disappointed when the find out Conan O'Brien isn't in this film? Will Jason Momoa, the star of this Conan film do his predecessor Governor Arnold Schwarzenagger proud by also being nominated for a Razzie award?

August 19: Spy Kids 4: All The Time in the World
This could be a fun game - figure out what critics headlines might be for a title like this...I predict we'll see some articles called "SPY KIDS 4: I wouldn't see this film even if I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD."

August 26: Apollo 18
It's like the outer space version of The Blair Witch Project. Except this doesn't seem to have the buzz of say...Cloverfield. With a cheap production budget, a la The Blair Witch Project, it might get praised post release for his high profitability percentage (because it wouldn't take much) but I think it'll be more blah than amazing.


crackers and cheese said...

Yeah, I definitely disagree with you about the last Harry Potter movie - it's the only movie this summer that I'm actually excited about. Which is sad - where are all the awesome summer blockbusters this year? Also, I had never heard of the Beginners and The Art of Getting By, but they actually sound good.

I definitely agree with you about Bad Teacher! I also can't stand Cameron Diaz, but the previews look ridiculous - the plot is her trying to raise her students grades so she can get a bonus to pay for a boob job so she can date the new rich teacher (Justin Timberlake). What? But you know the kids are going to wind up inspiring her and she's going to fall in love with the gym teacher she hates instead. Ugh.

Also, how did Transformer 3 not make this list?

Madgestic said...

Intriguing list. I'm with you on CONAN. On watching the teaser trailer it looked like the Jason Momoa's only co-star would be a tremendous billowing of CGI smoke. And yet... how will I be able to resist?

RC said...

@ crackers and cheese - sorry, I knew there would be some Harry Potter love here in the comments.

As for Transformers 3...I don't know...Michael Bay does have a special spot on my least favorite movie list...not sure how he didn't make the cut.